a light at the end

I feel like for me the first month as a first time mom is exhausting. It cant possibly get anymore exhausting than that. [I can hear veteran moms yelling "you're wrong"] but for me it really was. I have learned so much about newborns that no book ever prepared me for. I felt for a little while like I was given that "difficult baby" everyone told me to fear. It didnt make me love her any less obviously, but maybe thats just how I justified the whole beginning experience. I consistently slept 4 hours a day, and that was a good night. Ripley would not allow me to put her down. If she wasnt eating or sleeping she was literally screaming her dick off and the ONLY thing that would make her content was me bouncing vigorously on my birthing ball. You know, the one I lugged thinking I was going to use during labor that never happened because a giant baby grew in me? The one I swore I would use consistently at the end days of pregnancy [nope just sleep. sweet sweet sleep] keep in mind that I was also breast feeding which did not come naturally to me at all. When I look back now I think my supply came much much later than it should have. So I was confined to my room literally all day. I didnt complain, I knew this came with the territory but the fact she was crying so much was so emotionally difficult for me.

colic... gas... reflux... I was trying everything too to help with anything that could cause her symptoms. Our pediatrician put me on a strict diet that I stuck to for 2 weeks which was not easy because it was basically turkey/chicken and rice, when you're breast feeding that diet doesn't cut it. I took her to a chiropractor to see if getting her adjusted would help. I tried all of the colic remedies. Finally as a last resort we put her on an antiacid. Things continued to improve especially when we introduced formula and a bottle. She was consuming so much that I still question if my supply really ever fully came in. I also wonder if she was just growing so quickly and so shocked from being outside of the womb that maybe she was just scared the whole time? Until she finally got used to these new surroundings. Maybe she does have acid reflux. Maybe she did have an allergy? I dont know.

It made me think of all the moms I knew... and the nights they went through... and how it was never a thought in my mind until I actually had a child. I feel like it was yesterday that we left the hospital, the nurses asked "is there anything you have questions about?" Now I have a ton but at the time I didnt have any. At the time, I was recovering from my C-section while staying up a whole 48 hours on pure motherhood adrenaline.

I guess im just writing this for other first time moms. Theres a light at the end of the tunnel at it starts at 9 weeks.