total enigma

FLORIDIAN FALL

Not that it is anyones business, but for the most part my mother and father have been battling some serious addictions for the majority of their life which as a result directly effected mine.

My mom always told me that I should become a writer, she said "even if its just about your life" and the truth is I have always wanted to write about it but I fear the truth would hurt my parents. 

This has been the battle I have had for most of my life along with my bad habit of binge eating and indulgence. It is a vicious loop that is very hard to get out of, it makes me feel sympathetic towards my parents. 

the point of this wasn't really to make you feel sorry but more to help you fit into my shoes just for a second. 

I am a powerful person. At least I am in my mind. I may just be insignificant to you.

Because of the way I was brought up I expect very little hand outs. Its a pride I have that is tough to blow over even if I am in the negative. 

Being that I am almost 30 I find myself switching in between memories from my past and now. Thinking about how or what I would do differently. 

There is a pattern I have noticed... one that came clear to me not so long ago and it is the most overwhelming feeling once I realized whats been going on... 

I realized that even in the darkest moments, magically there have been positive people who show up. Randomly. These are people who have deeply influenced me and my behaviors and the way I treat others. They probably have no idea.

Valerie is my hair dresser. She has been for a very long time now. When we first met, I was broke and looking for a person who could cut my hair in a way I actually liked at a budget I could afford. I havent left her side since. 

Sometimes, actually everytime I see Valerie for a hair appointment I go in thinking "I like my hair... its not that bad right now... right?" and then at the end of my appointment I cant believe that I let myself just fade like that. Instantly my self esteem is lifted like a good 50 levels. Why didnt I just do this before? 

I started to think to myself when I went in there about how many people go in there, and leave feeling like a million bucks. Just after having a crappy week or a long day.... or even if its your first time in a long time... 

I think it is important to love yourself. I mean in a way that you enjoy taking care of yourself. You enjoy putting in the effort like its not a chore... and for me... working on having a better me sometimes just feels like a chore. 

is that bad? am I the only one? 

Anyways... I feel like the girl on fire....