An open letter to the first:
I guess I always thought that one day, I would see you in the future, you with yours and me with mines. I felt like I would get some satisfaction from letting you know I was alright with out you.
When I think about that era, I don't know why, but I remember telling myself to remember every single moment with you. I think at the time I was playing it off as my own fear of losing those that I hold close, and not to death because when we first met, I hadn't known death. I hadn't known the feeling of losing someone to death.
I don't even know where to start.
Selena was right. If it wasn't for you I would've never known my self worth. I would have never become this amazing woman I am today. I would've never said that to you while you were still with us because as you know, I held a deep resentment towards you
a resentment that now leaves me feeling sick. feeling ashamed. feeling defeated.
because you know that this is not the person I am.
I hated that you wanted to become a fisherman. I hated it because it was totally dangerous. You also have to understand that we didn't even have cars at this point. You were just hitching rides with your uncle or who ever said they had a boat. You wanted this so badly that even on rainy days you would pick snails in islamorada just to make a few dollars on the side.
This is why you were so much more successful than I am.
I remember your first car was this old brown vintage station wagon that smelt like it had been underwater and baking in the sun at the same time. The headliner was coming off.. I think you covered the dashboard in stickers because it too was sun burnt and starting to crack. It was so old it still had an 8-track tape player in it that worked.
Your next car was a newer Jetta, I want to say like a 1998? It was white and like usual had some issues. That car, as nice as it was, was short lived.
then there was the vintage blue GTI, the older model Jetta that was green? but my all time favorite was your Beetle.
I remember before you got your boat. I remember going to the marina numerous times just to sit and watch the water... eating Dunkin Donuts and coffee listening to Saves The Day and The Ataris on your radio. I remember all of the times we visited Sharon at subway for sandwiches after you picked me up from school. I remember going to Disney with you, taking your first airplane ride to the virgin Islands. I remember free diving in the reefs off of St.Thomas, you grabbed lobster with your bare hands. The chefs later prepared the lobster for us... even they were surprised.
I remember you sneaking in my window, I remember you sneaking in Marlene's window. I remember when you bought Adriana a random go-kart steering wheel for her birthday as a random gift on purpose. I remember all the laughs we had with Peter and my Brother, Matthew, laughing till we were crying. I remember skipping school, going to the keys for the day and coming home just to face getting caught lol....
I remember the late late nights we stayed up till I had to go to school the next morning. I remember you teaching me how to dive in my pool. I remember you before you tattoos and after your tattoos. I remember you with all the hair colors, all the facial piercings.
There are 2 sounds I remember you making and both are extremely heart wrenching. One is your laugh. When you laughed, and I mean really laughed, like at something my cousin or I did, you would do this weird inhale honking laugh. You know the one where I can count all of your teeth because you're smiling so big and there's tears coming from your eyes.
and the other.... is the way you cried. The sound of your cry is horrible. I mean just sobbing, the kind of cry that would make anyone stop what their doing to console you. I know you were there when I found out... I know what I heard was you crying and this time all I could do was cry with you..... I remember a lot.....
I wont talk about the trying times we had. I wont have to anymore, but I will say that I learned a lot about relationships with the one we had.
Which is really the strangest feeling I have of this all. You made me build a wall for everyone else trying to get into my fortress. Where I had such stupid resentment for you, is now empty. Nothing is there.
I guess I just wish I had come to that emptiness sooner. I had no idea how much of it was unnecessary and taking up so much space in my body. All I wish now is that I could call you again. I wish I could tell you how stupid I was and we could just laugh about this and move on... happily.... you with yours... me with mine....
He's going to hate me for posting this one.....
I am so sorry for the relatives and friends of Jesus Vincent Larralde, because I know how he impacted my life, and I got 6 very good years with him. I know very well how badly he wanted to be a father and I also knew how much family meant to him.
I think about you every day still and I get this calming feeling like you're still in the water somewhere... probably collecting. I know you are with Maggie and your Grandmother now.. which also brings me some comfort. Every time I think about you I will pray for your Girlfriend Maria and Vincent, which will probably continue on day after day... year after year.... as it always has... and will.
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